Many times I had seen rays of sunshine beaming through heavy cloud cover, but there was something different about how this small patch of blue kept forcing it's way through the clouds. I know it sounds over spiritual, (no, I don't always think like this. I'm not that good) but the Lord really used that patch to speak to me.
So many times lately my life seems to be filled with these heavy clouds. It's not necessarily a storm or rainy, just really cloudy. Things aren't awful or terribly rough, just a little harder to see the bright spots.
I think that is pretty common for a lot of people, especially those who may be dealing with special needs of family members or themselves. To be honest there are days when I am so overwhelmed I almost feel like I can't function. Reese needs/wants my attention and is demanding it while Brinkley needs to be fed or one of his monitors or machines is going off. Figuring out how to balance the legitimate needs of both of my children when one is so much more dependent on me than the other. Reese's behavior issues and his emotional outbursts that I am clueless about how to manage. Trying to figure out what is normal or ok for Brinkley and which of his newest symptoms require immediate medical attention and what can wait for our next appointment. Learning how to squeeze another hour into a day or week for that new specialist or recheck that we need to get in. And I haven't even thought about grocery shopping, menu planning, cleaning, laundry, or any of the hundred other things that goes into managing a household. Poor Bryan gets what little bit I have left over (if any). I could go on and on.
I don't want sympathy, I want to be real. There are people all around us who deal with these kinds of things everyday and we don't have a clue. As much as you try, you will never fully understand what they are dealing with and how they must feel inside. Even other folks that have walked this journey of being a care giver for a medically complex person can't know for sure what you deal with because every case is so different. This is not a "fraternity" that any of us expected to be initiated into.
This is a hard road and it is one that you can not face alone. Even though no situation is exactly the same, other caregivers are our best resource. They understand what we are dealing with more than anyone. A support network is crucial! It helps me to know I am not a terrible mom when I hear that other parents are overwhelmed too. It helps to have these folks that know specifically how to pray for me. They know better than anyone the strength and wisdom that is needed to make it through each and every day of this journey.
There is no way that I could function on this journey without having the reassurance of knowing that God is well aware of what I am dealing with. He sifted this all through His hand before it ever got to me. Just like every other hurdle in my life, He is in control of this one too and He is waiting to give me what I need each day to make through that day. It is DAY by Day. That is what He promises, strength and wisdom for today. I have to start over tomorrow and trust Him again for strength for that day. I won't lie, its not always easy and by no means do I have it figured out, but thank God I don't have to. That is one more stress that I don't need.
It's my job to keep looking for those patches of blue peeking through on what seem to be the cloudiest days. It's there, He promises it's there. I have to make the effort to search for it though. His mercies and promises are new everyday, even the gloomiest, grayest days.